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wunderkind

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From:

humanistic

[He keeps up his sceptical I-don't-really-believe-you look for a few beats.]

No. Yeah. 'Course you don't. You, Nina, serious. Right.

[Another beat. Conversationally:] So do you really think Annie would get jealous of pink-sweater-ghost-who-has-fantastic-tits-that-you-are-not-noticing? Because that's the only other local and more or less friendly ghost I can think of, all tits-you-are-not-noticing aside. But if the tits-you-are-not-noticing are going to come between Annie and her happiness--or you and your serious girlfriend--then perhaps we'd better not invite them to the party after all.

Or the ghost herself.

From:

nebbish

Mitchell!

[He gasps that, perfectly well stung.]

This is not about me! This is about Annie! I mean, you've seen how she gets. She was weird about that girl Kirsty, Hugh's girlfriend, and that Janey Harris - always talking about...

[Wait. Waaait. Something just occurs to him, and he turns to Mitchell, speaking slowly like he's deducing and then delivering some great revelation.]

You know what, Mitchell, I think it's not actually about the other girls' appearances at all. I think she gets like that because she's jealous of them dating the men she likes. [He widens his eyes a little bit, a can-you-believe-what-I've-just-figured-out expression.] And that's why she's fine around Nina!

From:

humanistic

[And once again, Mitchell is left staring at George. Just-- staring. Slowly, faintly, he shakes his head.]

Nothing gets by you, does it. You are just too clever for the world, there's a problem, and you look at it, and you just-- work it out, just like that. Seriously. You're secretly a spy, right, just crackin' codes, solvin' the mysteries of the female mind--

From:

nebbish

[And George gets that Smug Georgey Grin on his face and nods in an amazingly self-satisfied kind of way.]

Yeah...Yeah. Pretty good, isn't it.

From:

humanistic

[Mitchell lets him linger there, in satisfied smugness--but not for too long. Just a few seconds.

And then he heaves himself to his feet, and leans across the space between them to flick George's forehead.]

From:

nebbish

Owww-wowww-wowwww-wuh -

[He's being overdramatic, of course, but to have one's forehead flicked like that - in one's moment of semi-triumph - why, that's too great an indignity to bear!]

Mitchell, what was that for -

From:

humanistic

Are you completely idiotic, or are you just really good at pretending? Of course that's why, that's women, George, and that's also incredibly shallow of you t' observe it like that. You know it, but you don't say it.

Honestly, how you've gotten this far in your life without someone takin' it upon themselves to-- castrate you or something-- you'd better watch yourself with Nina, she'll do it--

[He sinks back onto the sofa with a sigh. George George George what will he do with you.]

Don't ever say that around Annie. Especially the bit about Janey Harris, she will go absolutely mental and spaz out and completely obliterate the house with that poltergeist thing she can do.

And we won't invite pink jumper tits ghost, so Annie won't be so-o-o jealous and heartbroken over you, and you won't get dumped by Nina for staring at any jiggly necklaces. All right?

From:

nebbish

Now, you -

[He sits up, mouth falling open in sheer outrage at all of that - implying that he might get dumped by Nina, first off, and saying castration like that, and the whole - all of it is just - ]

Look, mate, back off! Nina isn't going to dump me, first off, because I am not going to stare, and I don't ever, because I am devoted to her, understood. Second, I'm not a moron, and of course I'm not going to say that around her, and third I know she's not about to moon over me - Annie - because it's not like that between us, and fourth, I don't see what gives you the right to act like you're some - some - Betty Friedan, like you're the sensitive sort who just understands women just because you've -

[Right, no - even offended he's not going to end up where he could potentially end up if he wanted to do damage. It's just a party, that's all - nothing to get really worked up over.]

Slept with a lot of them.

From:

humanistic

[His eyebrows raise a little, his face tightens a little, as he waits to hear how that sentence will end, because, yeah, he knows the real ending of that. Though sensitive sorts don't usually tear out women's throats and drink them dry, do they, and he might say that, if he were capable of joking about it, and if something in his chest didn't wrench the very thought of where sleeping with a lot of women usually ends him.

And why are they even talking about this, this is a party that they're planning. A happy fun drunky cheerful thing, for Annie. Can't they have happy fun drunky cheerful things? Jesus, but being supernatural sucks. Pun not intended.

So, okay, Mitchell rubs a hand over his face, over his mouth, and takes a breath, and says, dryly:]

George, I don't care about the rest of that shit, all I want t' know is, who the hell is Betty Friedan.

From:

nebbish

[And even though there's some thread of George that wants to keep on with it, some little angry bit that wants to not let it out of his teeth, he's gotten better lately at ignoring that part of him. And Mitchell is de-escalating the whole thing, and George would be an ass indeed to ignore that, so instead of snapping and snarling he goes for a disapproving:]

Who's Betty Friedan? Honestly, Mitchell, I know you don't read books, but that's simply inexcusable - Betty Friedan. Author of The Feminine Mystique. Seminal work of feminism. You're not serious.

From:

humanistic

[This time, when Mitchell raises his eyebrows, it's more of a I-can't-believe-the-words-that-are-coming-out-of-your-mouth sort of expression.]

Why would I know-- look, The Feminine Mystique sounds like the name of some sort of lady's hygiene wash, I'd read those words and my brain would immediately shut down.

Not all of us are ladies, George.

From:

nebbish

In fact none of us are. In this room. There are not ladies in this room. As I am in fact a man. A man of some manliness. Thank you.

[He gives a great big scoff, leaning back in a manly fashion to show off his manly shoulders, and this is all ruined when he adds:]

And that? That is not even about feminism, Mitchell, that's just something you should read. Honestly, how many books have you even read? Just a count. How many.

From:

humanistic

Uh--

[It's too bad that he's asked a direct question, because he has a great deal to say on the manliness of that posing George is doing.]

All right, first off, how is it not about feminism, it's got feminine in the title. It's about feminism. Secondly, how should I know how many books I've read--I've been around for a long time, all right, those sorts of counts aren't--

[But now he's thinking about. How many books? Films, he's seen loads of films, too many to count, but books...]

Look, I didn't really sit about reading books much. Sorry. Other things came up. How many books have you read, could you give me an exact number, if I asked for it?

From:

nebbish

I could give you an estimate. In spite of the fact that it is a large number.

[All right, now he's narrowing his eyes. Mitchell is his best mate, no question about that, but if you live as long as he has surely you should end up reading books. A great many of them.]

Right, let's go through - have you read the Narnia books?

From:

humanistic

No, I haven't read the Narnia books. Talking animals? Creeps me out.

[And then, before another title can be mentioned:]

Look, we aren't actually going t' go through some arbitrary reading list, book by book, just to satisfy your curiosity, are we, because I can tell you right now, George, I can think of about six thousand other things I'd rather be doing. Not all of them pleasant.

From:

nebbish

[George hopes one of them is the washing up, and he'd say that if he weren't completely floored by the sheer...scandal of what Mitchell has just said.]

Talking animals creep you out. So have you read The Wind in the Willows? Come on, Mitchell, that's - that's mandatory reading, and if you haven't read it I am going to - take drastic measures.

From:

humanistic

Drastic measures, what, you're going t' prop my eyes open with toothpicks and force me to read? No, George, I've not read The Wind in the bloody Willows, because it's full of talking animals and I'm pretty sure it's targeted at children.

[He sinks back against the sofa, a bit sulky.]

And would you stop looking at me like that, like I've just told you I lost your firstborn--it's a book, George, and it's not even a very good one.

From:

nebbish

He says, not having read it.

[Extremely Disappointed Looks are a dear commodity; the more they are used, the less effective they become, and so George uses them only when completely warranted. This is a time when they are warranted, and so George fixes his friend with a Very Disappointed Look.]

I think it is a pity indeed that you are willing to simply write off excellent works of literature that have a great deal to say about the human condition for no reason other than you think that they are not good. Or for children. Or because you think that anthropomorphized animals are distasteful - [And, all right, this is a very low blow, but it's for a good cause - he gives Mitchell a Somewhat Wounded Look.]

From:

humanistic

[It's been over a hundred years since he's suffered the disapproving look of a schoolteacher or a priest or a parent, but the effect is very much the same. Amazing, how you can go off and live a life of debauchery and murder and come out on the other side still squirming under looks like this. More than a little unfair.]

Oh, come off-- now that is unfair! You're trying t' make me feel sorry for you, when you're not an anthropomorphized anything, you're just pathetic. I'm not falling for this, I'm not going to let you make up a reading list for me--I don't want to read about talking animals, no matter what the hell they've got t' say about the human condition, because they shouldn't be saying anything at all.

[And he looks away, to avoid any further sufferances of that Disappointed Look. It really is unfair.]

Maybe if they do a decent film of it, then I'll watch that. Unless it's freakishly animated.

From:

nebbish

Oh, no. No no no, of course, that makes sense.

[The Wounded Look transitions into the Disapproving Look - a slight variation of the Disappointed Look, with a bit less sorrow and a bit more firmness. An exact copy, if he was not mistaken, of his rabbi's look when he admitted that he wasn't going to go in for Talmudic studies at university.]

Never mind, of course, that it'll take you no more than an hour and a half to read it. That's time much better spent catching yet another replay of The Runaway Bride on the telly. Julia Roberts would absolutely be missing you otherwise.

From:

humanistic

[And that look would be absolutely effective, if it wasn't met with one of absolute incredulity in return.]

I can't read a book in an hour and a half! And--and!-- I don't even like Runaway Bride all that much, you know I'm a Pretty Woman sort of man. Mystic Pizza. Early Julia Roberts--honestly, it's like maybe you don't know me at all.

From:

nebbish

It's a short book.

[He holds up thumb and forefinger to demonstrate.]

This long. And come off it, you'll still stop and watch if they're showing it, so don't act like you're using your time judiciously. I promise, an hour and a half, no more.

From:

humanistic

Yeah, 'an hour and a half', as if that's nothing--trouble is, that's an hour and a half of my life I won't get back.

[He pinches at the bridge of his nose with a huge sigh.]

Will you leave off of me reading if I agree to this one single book.

From:

nebbish

I will leave off of you reading if you agree to this one single book.

[He raises his hand.]

I give my word of honor.

From:

humanistic

[STILL NOT SURE IF THIS IS WORTH IT so... there's a short silence, where he stares at George, as if trying to either work out how much he trusts that claim of honor, or perhaps suss out if the promised peace to come is going to be worth reading this book...]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but-- [A resigned sigh!] Oh, fine, yeah, whatever, get me a copy of the bloody book and I'll read it. Only so that you shut up and keep your lists and your talking animals to yourself.