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wunderkind

STUFF GOES IN HERE

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From:

jurisimpudent

[And it's sad, but Miles sees the memory of that unpleasant and bitter smile, and for a moment he shares in that swooping uplift as well. There's a coldness in Father's smile that isn't there in Dad's, but Dad's smile is also fuzzy, indistinct. While there's never been any loss of love or pain in those years since Dad died, the distinctness of his face has sort of receded into memory. Miles can't imagine his eyes any longer, or the shape of his nose, or the exact sound of his voice: he's just a warm smile, and glasses, and a formal head of slicked-back hair, and a suit. Father is still keen in Sirius' memory, and here's the hardest thing: there's a possibility of approval in the future. There's an imprisoning, limiting sort of hope. Miles can never win approval again, can never see a new smile, and so for a moment he takes and revels in the sudden illusion that maybe if he works hard, he can earn a bit more love from someone long since cold and dead.

Hope is an evil thing, isn't it? That's what weighs Sirius down. That's what chains him. The hope that Father will give a nod of approval, murmur a warm word. Will validate him. And for a moment, Miles is tied up in it as well, and is ready to rampage and kill just to win that sense, that he belongs.

Then he pulls back from it, disentangles himself from that cold comfort, because that's not him. Because there is no place where he does belong. No family, no friends, no united cause. Because, yes, he belongs to himself - to no one else. But that means he has no chains to weigh him down, no blooded weight, and that makes him potent. He has no hope: he is not therefore restrained.

So he pulls back from Mom and Dad, from Father and Mother and Regulus, from the warm sunny kitchen with two empty mugs and a stack of case files and a singed old tapestry and wands and Sirius and Miles: he makes himself nothing more than his intentions, a creature without emotions or sentiment. And he asks, now with words - no feelings:

Will Voldemort be there?]

From:

doggedly

[Voldemort.

That's a name Sirius doesn't think with any relish. It doesn't even conjure up Voldemort's face, at first--no, it's Bellatrix that he thinks of, paler even than Regulus, dark eyes and mouth curved into a bitter little smile. Christmas, that was the last time he saw his cousin and her husband. He didn't speak to her, and she held her silverware like weapons, and grinned at strange times in the dinner conversation, her eyes on her husband, glittering with some inner light.

He had only seen the Dark Lord (that's what they call him; Sirius nearly laughed the first time he heard it) from a distance--except once, once he'd been close, close enough to see the strange flat nose, the glittering eyes that reminded him of Bellatrix's, and he'd wanted to close his eyes just to avoid that light, but instead he'd looked back, submitted to that searching gaze that had fallen on him from across the hall--a long, white hall at Malfoy manor, there were albino peacocks on the lawn and Sirius drank too much wine and vomited on a rosebush and didn't tell anyone, felt sicker than ever before, they were talking about--

He closes that thought off. Voldemort. That's what he was asked. Voldemort, and he returns again to the heavy parchment, the green ink. All the best people. Yes, he will be there. Yes. That's what this is, this is a welcome, come home, pureblood, accept what you are going to be. Father keeps himself distant, but all of the kids are in a fervor and Sirius has to join them, can't keep himself at arm's length. He doesn't want to. But he will. He has to. He tries to keep that thought to himself as well, idiotic reluctance.

And he doesn't give a damn about Miles--no, that's a lie, he has to give a damn about him now, after all he's seen of him. But he cannot let himself feel that--so why does he think, next, do not go, if he doesn't care then Miles should go, be Edgeworth, be the yappy dog and get himself killed. He will be killed. White marble sprinkled red.]

From:

jurisimpudent

[The surprise isn't that Sirius Black gives a damn whether Miles lives or dies; the surprise is that he comes down on this side of the issue. And it's a problem, isn't it? Because Miles is supposed to be weightless. He's not supposed to be held down. But this care, this worry - it's heavy.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter; he can shrug it off. And there's a considerable possibility that he won't be killed - because (and he does feel a bit of affront) he's not some yappy dog, he's not just going to go and start talking about maybe we oughtn't be so harsh on the Mudbloods. No: he's going to go, and...

His stomach twists at the thought of what the smartest thing to do would be. The right thing. It would be to go to that party, join the line to meet that man, and at the last moment raise his wand and cast a killing curse. Right? He shouldn't just go and collect information; he should go and kill.

It's strange. The thought of doing that fills him with a deep terror, far beyond the prospect even of being caught and sent to Azkaban. And that's stupid, isn't it? The sign of some deep weakness. Because reasonable people, rational people, brave people, would take a look at those deaths and disappearances and decide that there's one righteous course of action. No matter their own squeamishness or cowardice, they should go and stop the man who's killed so many.

He'd separated himself from the emotionality before, but that weight of Sirius' concern pulls him back down. And so, with desperation and with fear, Miles appeals to Sirius: he asks him, without words, whether it's right. To kill that man - whether that is right. Yesterday, Miles would have laughed at the very notion that always-pure Sirius would provide any sort of moral guidance - but Miles can feel the pulse of that sense of right and wrong within him. That sense that if Voldemort were to disappear, Sirius would not mourn.]

From:

doggedly

[For all that he is known to be cruel, mean, unfair--one thing Sirius could never be called is cowardly. Not that Edgeworth is a coward, he has to admit that. There is a firmness in him that does not allow for cowardice. No, what he feels, here, this uncertainty--it's something else, but something Sirius doesn't have a name for, because he has never felt it either. His convictions are too strong. When something needs to be done, he does it, and he doesn't spend long deliberating.

For the rightness or wrongness of killing Voldemort--Sirius has no answer for that. He knows how he should respond, he knows the manic, fevered answer Edgeworth would get from some of his peers. But for Sirius, Voldemort, the mantle of being his faithful servant--it's just so much more that he does not want. And he isn't anyone's servant--that thought blazes prouder than any of the others, a crowning motivation. He belongs to no one but himself, his family--being the heir is more prisoner than servant--

Do it, if you're going to do it. That's the first thought that Sirius has. Don't be sniveling about it, don't waffle--do it. But tangled with that is more of his impression of Voldemort, at that first and only direct encounter. The way he only smiled when everyone else laughed. The way he looked at faces.

And there was a moment--barely a moment, easily overlooked amid the charming pleasant air at the Malfoy manor--and sometimes it felt like a dream, like something only Sirius had seen. They were talking about a law that was being enacted, a knot of people only just graduated from Hogwarts, and Sirius, and he was tuning them out, he was looking across the room, watching Voldemort, who was watching everyone else, holding a champagne flute but not drinking any of it, not even pretending to. And then he nodded, once, almost to himself--but Rosier peeled away from his group without saying a word, without even looking in Voldemort's direction--like a perfectly choreographed dance--and he took the younger McNair brother by the arm and turned him, led him off down a smaller corridor, as confident as if he were master of the house. McNair's friends did not look around; Rosier's conversation partners drew their little circle closer, shutting in the spot where he had been.

It was unreal, it was as if the earth had opened and swallowed them up together, and Sirius had been staring at the door until he felt a prickle of eyes on him, and when he looked around it was Voldemort, looking at him, a queer cold smile on his thin lips. It was Sirius that looked away first, his stomach churning.

He will know. Edgeworth would go with the intent to kill, and Voldemort would know, it would be so easy, for him to know.]

From:

jurisimpudent

[Miles has been studying occlumency, though - or reading about it, at least, books from the restricted section, retrieved through all the proper channels, professors' signatures on the note permitting him this. He can detail the theory behind occlumency, the history, famous users of the art, and that ought to translate to a certain aptitude himself. Right?

(It should, except that he can't shield the least bit of himself from Sirius. Because even now, running below his conscious thoughts are stupid, childish daydreams. That Voldemort will know it's him and announce himself as the previously-unfound murderer of Gregory Edgeworth, and that Miles will leap forth and drop the disguise and duel Voldemort personally, bring an end to him and all he's done and that the death of the Dark Lord will undo all his evil magics including those that took the lives of his victims. That he'll duel Voldemort and subdue him without killing him, take him away to prison, become a hero with even the Purebloods looking on Miles with shining eyes of admiration. That Voldemort will look into his mind and see his incredible courage and heroism and quake with such fear before such righteousness that he'll crumble, surrender then and there. That Voldemort will see that a Muggle-born can be good and realize the error of his ways. All of these dreams, absurd, but they stir feverishly in his mind.)

But if Voldemort will know...that will just mean that Miles will have to act quickly. Unflinchingly. Leap forth at once and take his life. Yet...Yet of all the things in the world that Miles Edgeworth dreamed of being, of all the things he worked to achieve, with this plan he will be one of two sorts of people: an assassin or a failed assassin. He'll not be Miles Edgeworth, Muggle-born Auror, known for his forthrightness and honesty and courage. Nor Miles Edgeworth, Judge of the Wizengamot, nor Miles Edgeworth, clever and well-loved Magical History professor, Head of Gryffindor house. He'll instead remain in history as Edgeworth, the man who committed the most evil act a man can commit, who only isn't considered a monster because he committed it against the most evil man ever to live...

Miles' legacy isn't his name. It's what he does in the world. So it comes down to this: does he do this deed and go down in history as a sneaking, pathetic coward who killed a bad person? Or does he hold on to the potential for the name Edgeworth to maintain a noble ring, but let people keep dying?

He doesn't know. He just...doesn't know.

If I let you go, Sirius, will you warn them?]

From:

doggedly

[The dog's upper lip twists, a snarl--because this is stupid. If it's going to happen, let it happen, do it, but for Christ's sake--and he thinks this so fiercely the dog growls again, a low, rumbling sound--for Christ's sake don't be a child about it. What good is it dying for stupid childish bullshit? A hero, who the fuck cares about heroes? It isn't even the potential for dying that matters, it's the stupid bullshit that Edgeworth this--unfair, casting judgement on that, everyone thinks stupid shit like that, you never have the chance to read it right out of their heads, that's all--but here Sirius is, reading every last idiotic fantasy, like this is going to end in any way that isn't shit.

There's no titles. There's no legacy. There's not even going to be Rosier, leading him away. This is fucking real. And Sirius isn't afraid--when he read that invitation, it was disgust that he felt, more than anything else--but he knows that he probably should be, that the only reason he isn't is because he's too fucking stupid to be afraid. There has to be something meaningful to make you afraid, something to be threatened, and what does Sirius have besides his name?

What does Edgeworth have, when it comes down to it?

And it's that empty hopelessness that gets him to agree: no. He's not warning anyone. The dog sags a little, like someone let the air out of him, and his growling stops, for now. And that's it. He's as good as betrayed his family, by agreeing to that. But what fucking choice does he have and God, he's tired, he's tired from all of this.]

Edited (i hate using the same icon too many times you understand) Date: 2013-09-09 02:08 am (UTC)

From:

jurisimpudent

[He wants to defend himself, because there's an exquisite sort of embarrassment at having those things read and surfaced and known. He knows about death. He's thought about what it would be like to die. Of course he has. He sees the names in the newspapers, every day, and he knows: that will be him. Sooner or later, that will be Miles Edgeworth, victim of the Killing Curse, a footnote on page 4. Maybe when he's still a student here, maybe once he's graduated; but it will happen; he'll die to the Death Eaters.

How can you be afraid when you don't even have a future?

And so he feels that sorrow, feels that exhaustion, from the dog - the boy - in his arms. And how strange it is, that this whole venture begins by clasping the enemy and crying into his fur; Miles doesn't know whether that's a good omen or a bad one.

It's one that prompts this question, though, desperate and needy. Promise you won't become a Death Eater. You're too... The end of that sentence doesn't come in a single word, but instead a strange welling up of complicated feelings: a sense of Sirius' strange gruff kindness, a sense of his humor and warmth and the energy and vim of that boy who used to run around 12 Grimmauld Place, Miles' nervous jealousy over Sirius' careless academic aptitude and the way he flies in Quiddich, and the pride and loneliness Sirius is weighed down with and all that he's managed to become in spite of that, and the discomfort he feels when the others become too vicious, and that sad queer hope of one day seeing Father smile again.

Promise.]

From:

doggedly

[First instinct him is to reject that impression that he gets from Edgeworth--too close to pity, too full of something so close to admiration it's sickening. So much of this moment is temporary; when they go off apart from each other, they will forget all of this, these impressions of one another--what they've learnt--because Sirius has learnt things as well, the little touches of foolish courage that Edgeworth has in him, the heroism and selflessness and loneliness--that kid, at the kitchen table with Dad, and how whatever was there has grown and changed, changed with him--to this, to the inevitability of death, so certain when he should fight, if he's going to be brave then he ought to fight--

But Sirius' promise is there, in his head. He could never join up. He's not a joiner--but there's always a part of him that stands off, watching, silent, uncertain, and that's the part that would always hold him back. Stupid, because he'll get himself into trouble if he doesn't do it, everyone is doing it, everyone who matters, it will be expected of him (but will Father expect it)--

Don't get killed. Two promises that hang in tension. If Sirius becomes a Death Eater, he might be the one to kill Edgeworth. Before, he might have, without much thought; if he'd lost his temper, if he'd burned hot enough--but it would be difficult, now, he's been inside his head, he knows him-doesn't really like him, still, but that's all right.]

From:

jurisimpudent

[And it's a measure of just how stupid and needy Miles is that those thoughts curl inside of him and rob him of his resolve. There can be that not-liking, and that doesn't matter, because beside it is that want for him not to die. And there's no one, no one in the world, who cares, except for this boy who doesn't even like him but thinks that he's brave -

Miles feels too close to crying. He cuts the spell.

Cuts both spells, disentangling their minds and loosing his hold over Sirius' form both. He scrambles back at once, of course, scrubbing at his face with the sleeve of his robe, because it is and will be different as soon as they're two boys facing one another again. They both know what happened, what they felt, but to acknowledge it now will be strange; to acknowledge, even, that Miles held tenderly onto Sirius-as-dog and rubbed at his ears and murmured words of encouragement -

No. That is embarrassing on an entirely new and fantastical level.

He's recovered, in essence, by the time Sirius is a boy again. But even so, the only word out of his mouth is:]

Sorry.

From:

doggedly

[It's almost like a relaxing, like someone was holding him pinned to the wall--not just by his throat, but by everything--and now, here, thank God, let go, and everything flows back to what it's supposed to be--not only in his head, but everywhere, it almost hurts, it happens all at once, too quickly--

And then he's himself, with a gasp. Something in him feels hollow--maybe that's what it feels like, being stripped bare--so well-known to someone, someone he doesn't even like, and his face feels hot and his hands feel clumsy, as if they're still paws. He's shaking when he touches his fingertips against his forehead.]

Yeah.

[What else do you say? He pulls his knees towards his chest, curling into his crouch. His mouth tastes weird, and there's a ringing in his ears, but maybe he's imagining that.]

From:

jurisimpudent

[Edgeworth is quiet a moment. Then he raises his wand and mutters a spell. There was a boy, Lupin - a Gryffindor - driven out of the school two years ago by the outrage of furious, righteous parents when it came out that he was a werewolf. Edgeworth misses him, a bit - the boy was always strange and distant, but very clever, and he never seemed to mind Edgeworth's background or his love of rules. When he'd been expelled - or left of his own volition; no one was entirely certain which had occurred - Edgeworth had written a strong letter protesting the Ministry's handling of the incident. Nothing had come of it.

Edgeworth thinks of Lupin now as he summons a bit of chocolate from his room. That had been the boy's remedy for nearly everything, it seemed, and at times it does quite nearly seem more effective than counter-hexes and all the rest.

He breaks the bar in half, offers it to Sirius. Quietly, he says:]

Here.

[He doesn't look at him. Not quite. But he doesn't have to; he can feel the proximity of the boy, can hear his shaky breathing.]

From:

doggedly

[He hears Edgeworth murmuring the summoning spell, but it's not till the loud snap of the chocolate bar breaking that he looks around, startled by the noise--and then he wished he hadn't, because even if Edgeworth isn't looking at him, he's looking at Edgeworth, who now knows more about Sirius than anyone--and the same in reverse, he knows more of Edgeworth than he ever would have wanted.

He glares, vaguely, at the bit of chocolate in Edgeworth's hand (Miles, the urge to correct himself is still there), but eventually he reaches out and takes it, careful not to make much contact.]

Cheers.

[There's nothing cheerful about the way that he says it, and he shoves the chocolate into his mouth, shutting up anything else he might say. There's another silence, and then he drags his fingers through his hair.]

What-- was that, what you did.

From:

jurisimpudent

The summoning spell? And here I thought you were supposed to be clever, Black.

[The taunt is listless and leaden, quiet. It feels unnatural coming out of his mouth, too. Because two hours ago, it would have been a vicious bit of mockery, just yet another string of words spat out to form a shield about him, to show this Pureblood bastard how little everything he did affected Edgeworth. Now it...seems like it ought to be a bit of good-natured ribbing, except that they don't like each other and never will - or, well, Sirius doesn't like Miles, even as Miles finds in himself a strange sad sort of affection for Sirius, a stupid desire for there to be some sort of...

He wearily cuts off his thoughts with a shake of his head. Bites off a piece of chocolate, chews it unenthusiastically.]

A spell I made. Legilimency is an adequate tool in certain contexts, but not in others, such as during undercover work if one needs to maintain contact with an informant; moreover, it's too powerful a tool in many situations, since it can be exploited for abusive purposes with relatively little oversight.

[There's a pause as he rolls a blade of grass between his fingertips.]

It...wasn't supposed to work like that. I did it wrong.

From:

doggedly

Funny.

[That's for that sharp little comment, lacking in sharpness. Sirius even grins a little, bitter, barely there, just a little lift of the corner of his mouth. He doesn't like jokes at his expense; if anyone were to ask, he wouldn't be able to say why he'd even smiled.

The spell is more neutral conversational territory. Sirius tries to fix onto the words, to make sense of what he's being told. His brain feels sluggish to respond, as if his time as a dog left him a little doggish at the edges, a little unfocused. He rubs his hand over his chin, hard, and shoves the rest of his chocolate into his mouth.]

What's it meant to do, exactly?

[It was used against him, but he can still--grudgingly--appreciate magic, the prescise inventiveness that it takes to put together a spell of your own. There is a secret part of Sirius that admires such hard work, takes pleasure in doing it himself. This isn't something to bond over, it's something to distract him.]

From:

jurisimpudent

It's - Well, it's supposed to do essentially what it did.

[He confesses that with a hint of embarrassment, as though it would have been better had it gone spectacularly wrong instead of just a little bit wrong. He supposes that's just what Gryffinor has drilled into him: better to be a spectacular failure than a quiet success.]

Legilimency can be used to activate portions of the brain not currently being used. That's why a skilled legilimens can go in and even take control of someone, and why they can access even the deepest memories. This spell is limited only to the neurons activated by the individual, so the other wizard is limited to reading only what the other person is already thinking. It protects people who haven't studied occlumency, and those who can't. [He plucks the blade of grass.] Like Muggles. And Squibs.

[He's quiet for a moment, starting to separate the grass into individual veins of vegetable matter.]

Anyway. It wasn't supposed to be like that. It was supposed to be more - You were supposed to have had more control. I wasn't supposed to have been able to see...all of that.

[And Sirius, too, wasn't supposed to have been able to see all of him.]

From:

doggedly

[Neurons, and things, that's stuff Sirius doesn't understand and doesn't make much effort to attempt to understand. For him, magic is more physical--not just about blood, but about something so woven into who and what he is that he can't imagine being able to separate it out the way that Edgeworth is talking about, to be able to think about magic in almost-- a muggle way.

But the spell worked. So clearly that way of thinking works, even if it went wrong.]

I'd have considered being impressed if it hadn't gone to shit.

[All of that is such an unpleasant reminder, and Sirius' face twists despite himself. No one should know half the stuff Edgeworth now knows--all of that deep earnestness, all of that idiotic loneliness that he hates about himself--and he can feel defensiveness rising in him, like he's going to be able to force Edgeworth to forget it.]

It doesn't matter.

[None of it does. He says it as dismissively as he can, trying to level out the edge that's in his voice. If it doesn't matter for him, it doesn't matter for Edgeworth, either, and that's what he will want. Right? Forgetting about it entirely will be mutually beneficial (even if, somewhere in him, Sirius knows he won't ever really forget).]

From:

jurisimpudent

It didn't -

[There's a stupid vein of defensive pride that rears up in Edgeworth at Black's last comment. Of course Black is going to turn his nose up at that spell; that spell could have done, and perhaps did do, considerable mental harm. But the spell's still his, and it's still a thing that was created to help people. And it's still - He's the only wizard he knows of who's made a spell of that caliber, so maybe - He doesn't need to be held in awe or anything like that; he would just like people to be maybe a little bit impressed with him.

(What a stupid line of thought this is. He's still fully planning to go off and court death at the hands of Voldemort, but he's more upset about the thought of someone being insufficiently impressed by his spellcraft than he is at the possibility of dying.)]

Look, you asked and I answered. Insults are not necessary.

[He admittedly finds his own annoyance a bit of a relief. He doesn't want to feel so indebted to and sympathetic towards Sirius Black that he can't get annoyed - because truly, even in spite of everything else, the boy is deeply infuriating.]

From:

doggedly

Whatever.

[Usually he would smirk as he said that, letting Edgeworth know that it is very much not whatever, that there's still a very precise order here--he ought to put a little something extra in it, just to combat that irritation that is so plainly written on Edgeworth's face--but he's too tired, and the whatever comes out like that.

Idly, he digs in his pocket for a cigarette and shoves one in his mouth. That's how this whole business started anyways, so he glances over at Edgeworth, hard-eyed for the moment--and then he pointedly offers him a cigarette as well. A weird gesture, maybe. Maybe he ought to feel dirty, sharing tobacco with a mudblood. But, whatever.]

From:

jurisimpudent

[Edgeworth looks down, his brow slightly furrowed, not fully understanding the gesture. Then he looks up at Black, his face, trying to discern whether it's exploding or - or what - and he takes it out of the pack and then immediately lets out a long breath - ]

No, I don't...even know why I - I don't even know how to utilize this. Here, take it back.

[He tries to hand it back. Maybe this could be time for a life lesson, pointing out the fundamental irony of the fact that these are a Muggle invention which Sirius so loves. That Muggles cultivate tobacco, and that these would have been manufactured by a factory full of Muggles. But he's too tired himself to turn everything into a life lesson; he just tries to hand it back.]

And I can't break the rules anyway.

From:

doggedly

It's yours. Merry Christmas.

[He folds his arms over his chest, his own unlit cigarette still in his mouth, and he's not looking at Edgeworth again, as if by avoiding his eye he'll avoid having to take the cigarette back, and avoid talking to him about anything of substance, anything of what he saw or what he now feels.

Helpfully, he adds:]

You smoke it.

From:

jurisimpudent

[Edgeworth pulls a face at Sirius' lowered head. It's a bit childish, isn't it, pulling faces, but honestly - ]

I'm not an idiot.

[He looks down at it and rolls it between his fingers. Finally, decisively, he tucks it into his pocket. No further commentary; he's come to a decision, and the firmness of his gestures match that.]

From:

doggedly

[He flicks a glance at Edgeworth--and actually smiles, a genuine little smile, though it's half-hidden by the way he's got his face turned away.]

You asked.

[Edgeworth kept the cigarette, so Sirius takes that as a sort of permission, and gets out his lighter again, lights his fresh one with a sigh.]

Give me back the letter.

From:

jurisimpudent

[And Edgeworth hesitates. The lawyer in him cries no, cries that this is evidence and must be kept, filed away, categorized, against the possibility that Sirius Black might turn to the Death Eaters after all. This will be deeply incriminating, if it comes to that day; this will be the key to his conviction...

But today is not really a day he's listening to his inner lawyer. He hands it over without even a protest, though he does warn:]

I have it committed to memory now. It won't help destroying it.

From:

doggedly

Don't be stupid.

[He doesn't bother with folding it--just crumples it in his hand once more and shoves it back into his pocket. His arm feels a little stiff, and he shakes out his hand before he plucks his cigarette from his mouth, ashing it in the grass.]

You're not seriously thinking anything'll come of you going.

[This is all wrong. He should-- do something. He shouldn't be sitting here, calmly discussing infiltration of this meeting over a cigarette. But he doesn't move; he takes another drag on his cigarette.]

From:

jurisimpudent

Maybe not.

[There's no use lying, of course; Sirius saw into his mind, saw how his thoughts on this matter broke down: his wild, fanciful daydreams saw him winning, while his sad sick feelings of dread were all centered around what would happen when he failed. But it comes down to this:]

But I have to try. Even if I die, I want to show him that we'll stand up for ourselves. That we won't just let him trample upon us. That we won't just lay down and die when he wants us to.